My Testimony

(Names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved)

My wife is not the same person as it was before I moved. But basically, we didn't get along very well. It was about four years into our marriage that she decided she couldn't live with me any more, and was going to leave. So, I decided to move because I was committed and even though extreme I wanted to do everything possible. So we moved. Well, about 4 years after that, she was unhappy again-- I won't get into all the details, but suffice it to say we were not on the same page spiritually or morally.. well, I guess we weren't on the same page as anything. So, she left. There was nothing I could do to stop her. I have always believed that marriage was a life-long commitment, but she did not. Anyway, I don't want to say any more about that because it's sad and paints her in a bad light. I do still pray for her.

Suffice it to say in the ending of my marriage I did not do anything morally or Biblically wrong. Even so, I had this crushing guilt. This guilt that I had failed. This guilt that I messed it all up and that God would not forgive me. This guilt that even though I was not wanted, I was living in sin. It was guilt, guilt, guilt! I knew what the scripture said regarding my situation, yet I didn't believe it. I recall one time going up into nature and pouring my heart out to the Lord. I had my bible and I turned to Philippians 4:6-7, "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

I remember telling God that this was HIS promise. It was in HIS word. It was spoken by HIS prophet. I cried out to God with every fiber of my being. I had nothing left. I was destitute with nothing but my tears. I have to say, that was the closest time I had ever come to losing my faith. All I wanted was peace. I didn't want God to "fix" it or make it better, I just wanted to claim His promise of peace. I told God that this was HIS promise and if He could not come through on something as simple as this, that everything I had ever believed was a lie and that I wanted nothing more to do with Him. I wasn't putting God to test. I wasn't presuming God would do this or that, I was claiming in faith a promise He had declared. I am so happy to say it was when I prayed that prayer, I had peace. I knew that God was with me there amongst those trees. I did feel-- loved.

I wish I could say it ended there, but it didn't. Even though I had biblical grounds for divorce, I couldn't see that. I was hurt so badly. Only people who have gone through it know what I'm talking about. I remember thinking about how much I hurt. I remember thinking if it was this hard for me, how much harder was it for Christ? He loves me more than I could ever, ever love somebody else.

So anyway fast forward. I have a girlfriend, Jane. This crushing guilt never stopped. I felt I was not "allowed" to move on. It was terrible. I found that I loved this woman, but I felt I was "unredeemable", that I was not allowed to move on. It got so bad, I actually had a nervous breakdown. I had to take time off work. I was in therapy, and taking medication. At one point, I actually contemplated suicide--because I felt that I was worthless. Anyway, that's not the part of the story I want to tell you about. What I want to tell you about is the miracle-by-miracle that the Lord worked in my life at that point.

Miracle #1:
On the day that I had that breakdown. I remember coming home, and sitting down. I remember feeling as if I was going to die. I can't explain the feeling. It was a feeling of no hope. Of complete darkness that would never lift. It was absolutely terrible! Anyway, I recall feeling that way (words really do not describe the depth of the situation). I remember (again) calling out to God. I told him, "I always hear stories of someone showing up at someone's door with a basket of food or something else right when they need it. I am going to die! Where's the knock at my front door?" Now here's the part: no sooner than were those words out of my lips, my phone rang. (I remember thinking, "NO WAY.."). I answered it, and it was Jane. She said, "Are you ok? I'm worried about you. Do you want me to come over?" My mind = blown.

Miracle #2:
This issue of guilt and depression went on for some time. I didn't feel God approved of me. I also didn't feel that my family approved of me. This went on for a while. I remember that this one particular weekend, I was feeling especially down. I believe had I been alone that weekend I might have ended up in the hospital. Jane was scheduled to take a trip with her friends to the beach. However, this weekend there was a hurricane blowing through so they weren't able to go. That weekend, I had this strong feeling I needed to talk to my mom. I had been feeling like I let her down also and was afraid to talk to her. I finally got up the courage to call her. She answered and we talked, and I felt better. At the end of the conversation she said, "Believe it or not, if you had called me any sooner or any later you would not have been able to get a hold of me. I'm in Yellowstone right now and I just happen to have signal on the phone. It's been dead up until now."

That was on Friday. On Sabbath I laid in bed thinking that I didn't want to go to church. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to be around anybody. Then I remembered I was scheduled to teach Sabbath school. (I used to teach the youth class). So drug myself out of bed and headed to church. On the way to church, I had this strong impression that I needed to talk to one of our church elders. This particular elder I had never really talked to, but I was always impressed by him when he was up front. I told myself, I couldn't talk to him because he didn't really know me and it would be weird coming up to him to explain my situation.

So, I went to Sabbath school. Nobody showed up, and I was not feeling well (emotionally), so Jane and I went for a walk. We didn't go to the church service. They had a pot luck that day, and I was going to go home, but for some reason decided to go to pot luck anyway. Neither of us had brought any food, so I decided we would just wait until everyone had gone through line and then we would go and get what was left. We sat at the back of the room. The elder's (who I mentioned earlier) wife saw us sitting there and asked us to sit with her because we didn't need to be all segregated and alone. So we sat down. As I was finishing my meal, guess who sits down beside me? Yes, the elder that I mentioned previously. This was odd because I have NEVER sat at his table. I decided this was providence so I explained, as much as I felt comfortable, about my situation. I can honestly say it was that point that my whole situation began to turn around. There's something to be said about godly advice.

Miracle #3:
Part of what caused my breakdown was the fact that I realized that I loved Jane. However, I didn't feel that I was allowed to love another person. Another part of the issue was that although she was a Christian, she was not a SDA. This bothered my mom, understandably. But I saw something in her. I knew she was the kind of person who wanted to do what is right. My mom gave me a lecture about people in different faiths and that haven't accepted "the truth" etc. I remember telling her I followed that advice that the first time and look where it got me. I believed that we are all on the Christian walk and each of us are in different places. As long as we're willing to grow and to deny ourselves, God can work with us. I also remember telling her, "If you found another church that was closer to the bible than the SDA church, would you leave it?" She said she didn't know. I responded, "That's exactly what you're asking Jane to do." She left it at that.

So we have Jane: the most wonderful woman I have ever met. When I was going through that rough patch, I remember telling her that most "sane" people, if you will, would have left saying, "You've got problems buddy. Give me a call when you work them out and then we'll talk." But not Jane. I remember she looked into my eyes and said, "When I told you I loved you, I meant it. I'm not going anywhere. I want to help you through this." She has always so good to me.

So anyway, we had been dating for a year and a half, and I started to think I wanted to be with her forever. The problem I had was I needed to make sure this was who God wanted me to be with. Looking back I can see how God took lengths to make sure we were together, but hindsight is 20-20. Anyway, I had been praying daily about this. I had to be sure. I needed to know she was going to be someone who would help me grow spiritually. I could not afford to make the same mistake. I can't say how long I had been praying this prayer. I know I prayed that God would help me because if we were not to be together according to His will, I needed to break up with her. After all, as much as it would hurt, it would hurt more the longer we stayed together. One night we were sitting together. I don't remember if we were having worship or what. But I remember she looked at me and tears welled up in her eyes (remember, she had no idea what I was praying about) and said something to the effect of (I don't remember her exact words), "You know... I'm not sure if I am going to be one to make you grow spiritually... but I want to be." I could not believe what I was hearing. My heart about leaped out of my chest! Wow! That was not the day we were engaged, but it was the day I knew I was supposed to be with her and that I had the Lord's blessing.

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I'm happy to say that while Jane is not a baptized member (key word: baptized) of the church, she is a member in her heart. She is currently struggling with the idea of baptism. I say struggles because while she believes the truth about the Sabbath and our other doctrines, her parents (specifically her mother) do not. They think we're a weird group that's a bit "out there." Needless to say it causes Jane much stress. But Jane is not deterred. She has tried to have some serious conversations with her friends and family about the Sabbath (and the obligation of man to the divine law). Although most of the time, they don't want to hear it. Our church in the county is the only light the county has. The Lord brought us together, I believe, not only to strengthen us, but to be witnesses for him. I remember talking with people where she lived and they asked me if there was really much of a difference between Seventh-Day Adventists and Mormons!

All in all the Lord saved me and He saved Jane. I remember asking God, "why?" when everything fell apart. Looking back, I can see it was the best thing for me. It taught me who I really am, where I was, and where I wanted to be. I know that had Brittany and I stayed together, I would not be where I am. I believe that while the Lord says, "I hate divorce," He knew that might have been what it took (in my case) to save me. It was necessary for me to go through hell so to speak, so I could realize how much I needed Him and how much He really is in control.